Random Thoughts | This Too Shall Pass

 

Why do we tend to try to control and change things that we can't do then we keep being upset because we can't control or change it? Since we were unable to do it, we started to feel overwhelmed and upset over it. I also feel the same and it is hard to change this mindset but I really do hope that I can change my mindset and it will affect my mood on a daily basis. It is hard to change the hard and lingering feelings.

I have been ignoring my warning signs of burnout. When I did, I tried to get rid of it one by one. But it seems like I am still stuck in the same old cycle and I am rotting away. It is not that I don't seek help, I do but it seems like none is helping me much. This shitty cycle really needs to end because I am tired, my body is tired. Sometimes I do feel like the pressure I have been getting from people around me, especially during work is not worth it. Whenever I try to do something when I, myself am not in the best condition, I can't control my 'emotional self' that keeps leaking out. Because of that, I tend to do something and make a decision while being emotional. Which is obviously not good for sure.

I felt weird when people thought that I was capable of holding all those things at the same time but I think that I always make things more messy. As time goes by, it is harder to keep myself from being emotional over something that I can't control. There are some things that I can be ignorant and I feel thankful for that. But I hope that I can be more ignorant to save myself from drowning in the sea of guilt and bad feelings. I keep feeling emotional but keep having this thought "If I cry now, it can't settle anything but I only feel tired from crying instead". 

But instead of feeling negative all the time, I try to keep myself positive by trying to fight with my subconscious self and tell myself a good thing so that I can gain back my strength.

Shawn Mendes - Hold On

I don't know what

You're going through

But there's so much life

Ahead of you

And it won't slow down

No matter what you do

So you just gotta hold on

All we can do is hold on, yeah

Yeah, you just gotta hold on

Just hold on for me

This too shall pass.

- Nana

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Artwork | Why I love to Draw

 

Hi readers!

To be honest, ever since I started working, it has been hard to maintain everything that I have done during my free time back when I was a student. I used to draw so much to the point that my bedroom wall was full of my drawings. I used to explore many kinds of arts such as pen sketching, architecture sketching, portraits, doodles, painting, digital arts and many more. I have tried it all but I do not feel I have mastered any. Hahaha! After a lot of exploring, I found that I do better in pen and architecture sketching. But only in black and white because I do not have any good sense of colour combination. My drawings always turned out bad when I decided to colour them. So, I just let it be black and white, just like my life. >-<

Moreover, I found that doing this kind of art style really heals me and helps me to calm my mind. The more tiny my lines were, the more that I found myself healed from all the things that stress me out (Well, at least at the moment). Drawing really helped me to discover, reflect on and to express myself. There was a moment when I felt overwhelmed and started to draw, and once I started I felt like my mind went blank and only focused on the drawing. After a while, I started to reflect on myself and realise what kind of actions I should take or avoid. It feels like I have found myself while drawing and it helped me to think of something calmly. I even think that I wish that I could do it forever. But, I have decided to not work in the art field because this is the thing that I love to do as a hobby and I don't want it to change to be something that will be stressing me out.

I actually don't really like people to watch me while I draw. It feels really uncomfortable. When I draw, I prefer to completely exclude myself from the world. I don't even like to be in the same space with others while I draw. Is it an introvert thing? hahaha!

Actually, my work field is also related to what I love to do. I work in the design field. But engineering design for houses. As a metaphor, architects work to design the human exterior (i.e. skin, flesh, eyes, nose, feet, fingers, body shape) while engineers design the support of the body (bones). The architect designs the house but we, the civil engineers design the support of the house (i.e. beam, column, foundation). But the civil engineer's scope of work is actually wider than that. 

So, during work, I actually have felt in a slump. Designer slump. Hahaha! The feeling was almost the same as people in the art field felt. To get rid of that thing in a moment, we need to take five and go for a walk, go see some greens or take a shower to get our inspiration back.

How about you? do you have anything you like to do to spend your free time? I am going to share my latest drawing that I follow from Pinterest. Since I am not drawing professionally, I just search for some inspiration from Pinterest and copy to redraw for my leisure.

Thank you for reading!

Much love,

- Nana

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Random Thoughts | Quarer-Life Crisis

Hi Readers,

Have you ever felt stuck in a never-ending cycle when sometimes you feel that your life is just going on and on the same as yesterday? Some of us whose ages range from our mid-20s to early 30s face these issues where we start having self-doubts, constantly worrying about our future and feeling like we have yet to achieve anything. The term quarter-life crisis is happening to young adults who have just finished studying and trying to adjust to working life. The situation of the crisis varies from person to person due to their own life circumstances. 

In this posting, I am referring to the young adult with an age range similar to mine. We are reaching the age of having anxiety over the direction and quality of one's life. A common question we have been asking ourselves is probably "What is the point of everything?". Facing this kind of crisis is a good thing that it is going to be a good opportunity for us to reflect upon ourselves.

When we were a teenager, we expected that we already figured out it all. Honestly, who has thought that being in this age range feels like a teenager who has been forced to be an adult? But at the same time, it feels like we are too old to be a teenager? 

Personally, I also keep having doubts about every decision that I have made. Either I think I made very bad decisions or kept thinking that I should choose something else for better results. I feel so unsure about everything. My life is just going in a circle and I can expect what can happen day by day.

Sometimes, it feels like my body is no longer in my twenties, I am definitely in my 80s 😂 because my body is aching all over physically and mentally. For now, I don't have any conclusion that I can make from being in this stage because I am still going through it. I just hope I can go through it bravely and strongly.

Thank you for reading!
- Nana

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Lifestyle | I Have Been Away For So Long and Busy Chasing Chaos and Surviving

Greetings!

I have been away from writing on this blog for so long. My last posting was in November 2020, which is now 2024. How fast the time flies. There have been so many things happening to me since November 2020. It is likely because I have started losing interest in doing everything I used to love such as doing arts, writing in this blog, exercising, etc. I have missed connecting and being inspired by all the creative things I used to do. 

For the past years that I have been absent, the story might have been a bit boring and depressing but long story short, I am just busy chasing chaos and surviving in my career. But then, suddenly it was already December 2023. I feel like I have been missing out on so many things. I have seen some of my friends already accomplished something and it feels like I have stayed in the same spot for years. My personality also changed a lot. I am becoming a short-tempered person, my energy depleted easily, I enjoy being alone instead of hanging out with new people and I don't smile easily.

"I really need to change and live my life in the present instead of stressing over my future" One day, this thought suddenly came out of my mind.

I feel like I am surrounded by negative energy that affects my health mentally and physically. I didn't really feel joy in anything and kept being sick all the time. Yes. It is not only affecting me mentally but physically. I have never been this sick before 2023. But in 2023, I even developed gastritis because I skipped lunch/breakfast/dinner. I slept late or slept less than 2 hours causing migraine, face breakouts, fatigue, losing/gaining weight and even hair loss. There was a moment when I took too many MC in 1 week that I only worked one (1) day, the rest were sick days.

However, I am already in the process of recovering and currently I am starting to feel more content day by day. Here are the things that I have done and am planning to do in 2024.

// To start Positive Journal

I started a journal where I will write at least a compliment for myself every day so that I can look back and feel the joy and satisfaction. This action actually worked for me. Whenever we jot down something positive that happened throughout the day, more or less it will change our mindset that there is still something good happening in one day no matter if it is a big thing or not. I would like to recommend all my readers to start this Positive Journal journey.

// To start back doing all of my hobbies

This might be the hardest for me because I already lost interest in doing things that I used to love. It is the most difficult thing to be committed to doing something that can only be done with my willpower, and the only thing I get is the satisfaction of doing it and the ability to finish it. For now, I can finish 1 sketch in my sketchbook, and another one is the digital sketch (which I just started to explore).

//Exercise

Exercising is good however for some depressing moments, exercising can make you feel more exhausted. I don't really like jogging and hiking can be too tiring for me at the moment. So, I choose to learn how to swim. One of the biggest things that I could accomplish in 2023 was learning and succeeding in swimming. Swimming can be so relaxing and ease my migraine after a whole day of working.

//Visit new places & spend some time in nature

For me, I love sudden planning to do this activity. For example, texting a friend for a sudden road trip to see the sunrise, the sudden road trip to go to the waterfall and many more. I have read somewhere that seeing nature can lower stress hormones, and anxiety and reduce the feeling of depression. Being with nature can help you think clearly and is one of the great ways to de-stress and relax. I can tell you that it is true. I do feel a bit healed whenever I am on a sudden road trip to see nature.

//To have some "me time" on Friday night after work

After spending your 9am to 5pm job from Monday to Friday, I think it is good to wind down and enjoy your nighttime alone doing something for yourself. You deserve to be pampered and to feel rewarded after spending your weekdays working. At this moment, usually, I prefer to do something relaxing and calming. I will prepare some hot drinks for myself, set a table on my bed, turn on my humidifier, wear my best pyjama to relax with a book, watch some movies or do my own facial and hair spa. For me, I prefer this way because during weekdays, I am always surrounded by people, so it feels calming whenever I am by myself. The introverted personality in me is screaming for a me-time every week. So, this is a must for me 😆

//Set some boundaries when you are working and whenever you are not

As for someone who works with people who don't know some boundaries, I think it is important to set an example that working life is not everything. If you think working life is important for you, don't drag or guilt-trip others into thinking that other people don't take their job as important as you just because they choose not to reply to you outside working hours, or whenever they take Annual Leave. Be more rigid and not afraid of turning down other people's requests so that you can have time for yourself, family and friends. But, in reality, it is really hard for me to set these boundaries for my clients and contractors. Like my boss said, I am on leave but the work is never on leave. I always asked for help from my colleagues and handed over some urgent matters to them. But, suddenly the urgent matters became non-urgent matters, and some other projects suddenly became urgent. So, more or less, whenever I was on leave, I still had to answer phone calls or texts from everyone. This is one of the issues I am still trying to figure out and settle.

//Progress towards personal spiritual reformation

Islam teaches us that the purpose of our life is to worship Allah S.W.T. and to devote ourselves to seeking His Love. But, actually, it is difficult to remove our worldly desires. For me, I try to spend my time a day for Islam. Learn more about Islam, read al-Quran, pray, etc. Islam teaches us that everything happens with the will of Allah. Islam teaches us to be grateful, peaceful and content with our life.

As I said earlier, I am aiming to do everything to make myself happy and content with my 2024 Vision. I have visualised my 2024 vision in this moodboard and I even made it as my phone & laptop wallpaper 😆

All these photos are my vision of what I want to do and planning to do this year. I also plan to keep writing. For the past years, I have been missing, I am still writing, but I choose to write privately in my journal. I love this blog. I have been writing on this blog since I was a teenager so this blog holds a very special place in my heart. When I opened this blog, I just realized that I had a few posts that I wrote in the draft but never published in my blog. So, I will publish the posts one by one to keep them in my blog.

Thank you for reading. Have a nice day!

-Nana

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Acenana

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